Views :
Create Time :
Index Blog Articles

We Come to Love Not By Finding a Perfect Person But By Learning to See an Imperfect Person Perfectly


A Chinese Woman and Western Man who came to see each other perfectly. Can you do the same?

There’s been lots of talk here recently about ‘right and wrong’ when it comes to certain traditions and cultural issues. Barry has come under fire for his Day 22 part 2 blog and my Forum thread “What kind of man do you want to marry - another viewpoint’ has also received some interesting comments. Sometimes when there’s a difference in opinions, values, traditions and cultures, it’s easy for us to try and reinforce our own - but in reality there is no ‘right and wrong’ - it just ‘is’.



I have been doing some research over the last couple of weeks that has allowed me to delve a little deeper into the human psyche and play around with different wants and needs depending on where peoples cultural heritage lies.

However, despite our different cultural heritage and background, I came across some very useful information that I think is worth sharing with you, simply because it relates to HUMAN feelings and needs, rather than cultural ones.

On a site like CLM that is bringing east and west together with the chance to share lives, I think it is important for both cultures to try and find some ‘middle ground’ rather than just accept one persons culture or tradition as being set-in-stone.

中国可能有5000个年的文化,但是,这并不意味着我们要接受传统的值钱的东西 - 毕竟,我们是不是中国人。相反,我们西方人不应该尝试,因为他们从中国“的方式”相差太多迫使亚洲女性的传统价值观。

There is a great American author named ‘Sam Keen’ who has written many books on the subject of “Love”, one notable title being “Love and Be Loved” - which is well worth the read if you can find it.

Incidentally, the title of this blog is actually a Sam Keen quote

因此,首先,让我们来看看,大多数男人在一个潜在的女朋友/老婆找的素质。基于Internet ........

像youself - 男人一般都吸引到妇女谁是舒服的自己。他不希望有提高你的自我,你说你觉得自己胖或丑陋的每一次,因为如果他认为你是美丽的,一个人可以感觉到疼。

要欣赏 - 如果一个女人欣赏东西的人确实为她,他会去到人间,她的目的。总是告诉他,你欣赏他做的事情,既大又小。

Be clear – men hate mind games and having to try and second guess what women want. He will see you as great girlfriend/wife material if you’re clear about what you need and the things you want to do.

Be a little Independent – although men love to feel they are needed and wanted, they often want to feel she has other interests outside the relationship. A girlfriend /wife who is too dependent on her man can quickly smother his affections.

Respect – many women don’t respect men at all - and they know it. They see them as overgrown schoolboys ruled by their smallest parts. This is grossly unfair and a man will know if you think this. A good girlfriend will take time to get to know him as an individual and show as much respect for him as she would for anyone else.

审批 - 男人都不是在他们的批准欲望独特,但是当涉及到亲密关系是你通过审批,而不是批评传达你的需要和需求是非常重要的。告诉他,他做什么好,他会想要做更多。当你批评他,你收回你的同意,让他觉得自己永远不能取悦你。

Prowess – a man wants to be the ‘king’ in his partner’s life so he’ll look for a girlfriend who helps him feel strong and capable. This applies in the bedroom as well as out. Every man wants to be told they’re a great lover and the more you compliment him the better he will become.

平等 - 尽管一个人可能要支付膳食或照顾你在开始的时候,他们也在寻找的人谁也不会拿自己的慷慨的优势。

Be open – men are attracted to women who make them feel good about themselves. For that to happen a woman needs to be open with her feelings. Body language, smiling, laughing and words of appreciation will help a man see the potential in a relationship.

是“性感” - 请记住,“性感”是一种态度而不是你的体形或衣服。在一个人响应你散发出的性能量,他经常是寻找动物的本能是一个女人谁回应他以积极的方式,因为这让他感到希望。

让你成为一个好的”薄熙来的事情yfriend/husband’ material

1.清洁 - 它的头号因为它是如此重要。如果你要满足一个女人确保你洗澡,刷牙,并使用一些除臭剂。以你的外表,你的家,甚至汽车的保养,如果她要骑在它是尊重所有标记。

2.留心 - 女人爱说话,他们希望有一个男人谁就会听他们无需滚动他们的眼睛。表达你的关心女人通过关注她,而不是只是在享受她给你的关注。

3. Good sense of humour – Make her laugh and try to help her see the lighter side of life. Not will it only make you feel good about yourself, but she’ll see you as someone who could be a real friend as well as a partner.

4,要特别小心 - 你并不需要穿你的心脏在你的袖子所有的时间,但你让她看到你有一个感性的一面,即使你从来没有让任何人看到它是非常重要的。

5.诚实 - 有很多人在那里谁认为他们是“花花公子”。女性通常寻找一个他们可以信任的。诚信可以像置身于时间,做你说你要做的事情,并告诉她你的感受真情小的方式来证明。

6.要尊重 - 这不要紧,他们是谁,也没有他们来自哪里,所有女性都希望得到尊重。这意味着关心她的感受,支持她,而不是她搞乱有关。

7. Integrity – women respect men who have values, beliefs, principals and who will stand up for what they believe in. Men are often physically stronger but even if they aren’t, women want to know a man will stand up for her, protect her and be on her side when she needs it.

8.要周到 - 做这些小事情,而不问,像送她的消息只是为了让她知道你对她还是记住的是,在她的生活是怎么回事什么重要思想 - 即使它不涉及您。提供帮助时,你可以,但不要总是以为她有一个问题 - 有时,她可能只是想你听。

9.欲望 - 没有女人愿意跟一个男人谁没有找到她的吸引力。不过,她可能很快就会失去兴趣,如果你的愿望是在卧室才会显示。她需要觉得这是她的,你的愿望,而不仅仅是她的身体。通过亲情,赞美显示此不承担任何........告诉她!

10.能够提交 - 大多数女性(尤其是中国)希望有人谁表明,他们必须承诺的能力。作出安排,并坚持给他们。是的前期你对她的感情。一致性,在你的工作,友谊和家庭状况的稳定性都去给她看,你是一个她可以依靠的。

A relationship is not a romance movie.

At certain times in our lives, we may be stuck with the belief that love is like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films - such as ‘Titanic’ for instance.


They seem to believe that if they had a relationship with the ‘perfect prince’, then all would be well in their life.

事实上,一位王子(公主)也是人类,they have faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he or she is.

It’s important to let go of the crazy notion that we need romantic love in order to find true happiness, and it maybe disappointing to realise that the ‘knight in shining armour rushing to save the damsel in distress’ is nothing more than a fallacy, but sorry girls, it is..


It’s the kind of romantic story that can only work when there is an absence of the lover. They usually have to die in the end so their love can fit into this romantic view, or we sit eating loads of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after - and we never do.





It’s not about having another person ‘complete you’ and by letting go of the romantic notion of becoming ‘one’ you’ll learn that the ‘distances’ often felt in a relationship are just as important as closeness.



3. Learn from each other.

See your partner as a mirror and learn from the reflection. How can you be a better person. When you feel upset, instead of blaming your partner and pointing the finger, try to stay awake and see what needs to be healed in yourself.

4. Spend a little time with yourself.

Love can’t rescue you from being alone. Learn to spend time just being with yourself.



夫妻经常创建参数,这样他们就可以ke up over and over again. It allows them to continue the romantic trance, thus creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you know why you fear intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and will probably argue far less.

6. Be who you are..

People try to grasp at romantic love because they yearn for something that is out of reach - something they perhaps see in another person that they think they do not possess themselves. Unfortunately, when we finally find love, we find also that we didn’t get what we were looking for. This is because true love can only exist when you love yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.


After the fairy-dust has settled, we discover ‘ordinary’. We often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ‘ordinary’ can become the real spark of intimacy. The day-to-day happiness of living life with your partner can, and does, take ‘ordinary’ into extraordinary.



It’s much easier to see the good in your partner when you can see the good in yourself.

9. Give your love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves simply because other people may love us - it’s about how well we love ourselves and others. Often the outcome of loving others deeply is that we are loved more deeply.


Looking at things such as fairy-tale romance and constant togetherness in order to fill a void in your life will immediately cause suffering. If you avoid giving love to yourself, you will put your sense of insecurity in someone else.

Use your own inner self to offer love and attention to yourself when you need it. Then you can allow love to come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like in your own mind


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
(显示1to10的20) 12 更多...
#2015年3月26日十七点17分15秒通过JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

This is really quite and incredible post Paul, and it could easily be the one essential guide for all members to discover the art not of finding their perfect match, but instead of recognizing him or her when she/he is knocking on their door. On top of that it is well laced with the things to do to help their new found love to recognise them as his or her perfect match as well.

It should be required reading for anyone on a cross cultural dating site with hopes of finding true love.

Well done Paul, really well done.

#2015-03-27 10:23:53 bymelcyan @melcyan


The words that you have gathered from your internet searches and included in your blog make for very informative and educational reading. However, they somehow don't quite gel with your previous writings.

Are we witnessing the metamorphosis of a "new Paul"?

I am looking forward to the comments generated by your blog.

#2015-03-27 22:24:54 bysandy339 @sandy339

hehe I think Paul now is a changed man by Red (The Shawshank Redemption):)(giggle)

#2015-03-28 09:48:37 byMacchap @Macchap

Paul is on a roll. Seeing Paul's blogs lately, Paul's in a certain state of mind.
I appreciate the time you take to share your thoughts with us.
在我的网站上很短的时间我已经注意到了 - 因为保罗在他的帖子提到 - 两件事情:
- the high rate of divorcees (all ages)
- 女人如何写/去想爱情。这是缺乏现实之感,简直像小孩子一样。你通过玫瑰色眼镜,女孩看着它。在另一方面,它也可以被称为诗歌。

#2015-03-28 13:54:26 bypaulfox1 @ paulfox1

Thanks for your comments.
This blog was meant to be in a completely different style to my usual one for reasons that should be obvious if you look at the content of the blog.

没有,我的朋友,你是不是看到一个变态 - 只是一个不同的写作风格对不同类型的博客188bet官方网址

#2015-03-29 16:33:02 bymelcyan @melcyan


I often use the internet to research topics that interest me. I also like doing a copy and paste of interesting comments made on blogs I that I read on this site and other non-dating sites so that I can do a search on the sources for those comments. There is free software on the internet for teachers to use to identify the sources of student work that anyone can use.

I wonder why others don't research information on topics that interest them for themselves. Many men would be reading the information contained in Paul's blog for the first time. It should not be that way. If you are serious about finding a life partner why wouldn't you do this research yourself.

I would love to know how this information is presented on Chinese web sites (@sandy339 can you help? - it would be a great blog for me to read)



I just googled that sentence. The second entry that google generated was this -



- by Ricardo Martinez.

You are truly happy; your glow is visible from miles away. All of your friends love this new person in your life, aside from one or two skeptics. Regardless, you try to convince yourself that the naysayers are wrong.
Healthy relationships occur between two people who are comfortable with themselves, in addition to one another. Love only develops after making your own happiness a top priority.
Whether it is to battle loneliness, settle down to appeal to comfort or to ease away pain, happiness means much more when it’s obtained as a result of working toward becoming the person you want to be.
Over the years, people change. Be the one who progresses, not the one who regresses. Learn what makes you strive for greatness, what makes you angry, what makes you tick, what makes you live for more — your goals, passions, disappointments.
Get out of your comfort zone, empower your thoughts, explore your dreams, succeed continuously, fail until you hit rock bottom. Once you have achieved this mindfulness, your union with another individual will more likely flourish rather than set you back.
Time is the only game no human will ever master; we cope with this by pressing forward, no matter the circumstances that arise.
How many times have you gotten mad at yourself for missing opportunities, chances, people or for being stuck in the past and allowing it to compromise your future?

We often focus too much on the now and too little on the future. The present should feel right; it should be enjoyed in the moment. It should not be lived for the purpose of filling a void.
This void does nothing but provide temporary peace of mind to satisfy emotional needs born out of exerting effort.
Once that hollow space appears, a replacement will find its way in. Create the opportunity to control what makes you happy. Managing your personal contentment and prosperity should be a lifestyle choice.
Tailor your dreams and hang on to the one that makes you, you.
Often, we try to mend other’s scars by taking their lashes while succumbing to a fantasy in which love can heal all pain. Focus on recovering from your wounds before trying to patch up someone else’s.

There is nothing more gratifying than adjusting the side-view mirror on your life to look back and see how much you’ve grown.
Strive to be in a relationship in which both parties have discovered themselves independently. Trying to find this clarity from someone else will lead to a downward spiral of inconsistent contentment.
Dig deep within to demonstrate your worth. It is perfectly okay to be single and to love yourself.
The status of “in a relationship” should not reflect a dependency on someone else, but rather, the power of togetherness. Be careful and be picky with whomever has the honor to hold your heart. Make your destiny a destination of choice, not chance.

#2015-03-29 17:43:50 bybelle777 @belle777

I also can't understand this special greeting like Will you marry me? and I guess it is not a popular saying in China, also Sheng Nv is not a serious problem in cities, and they don't have to marry the first man they meet, I noticed many women here are actually divorced with kids, divorced women are not Sheng Nv, I see many Sheng Nv live a happy and easy life in Shenzhen, and yet they didn't lose the hope to find their other half, so to choose to be Sheng Nv or not, depends on how women see things, either they insist on finding the one they love and they may take the risk to be alone for many many years, or they just want to marry quickly, so to get rid of the Sheng Nv title

#2015-03-30 17:42:41 by anonymous13211@ anonymous13211

@ paulfox1




#2015-03-31 06:32:36 bypaulfox1 @ paulfox1



#2015-03-31 15:43:40 bybelle777 @belle777

@ paulfox1
Your idea of some Chinese women who just want to marry whatever men is not true, they are certainly very selective, otherwise they won't be single, you should know China have much more male population than female.
For a women who just wants to marry a Westerner, not selective at all, I think a smart guy would know what her real purpose is.
As I can see on this forum, there are so many good women here, and most of the ladies here are serious looking for life partner, and they are very selective and careful.
If your presumption of desperate women are from your own experiences, then I think maybe you should step back and think about one thing: why you always met such kind of ladies?
But if you are only interested in doing some research on desperate women, then please disregard my above comments, and I am looking forward to your new articles.

(显示1to10的20) 12 更多...
To respond to another member's comment type @ followed by their name before your comment, like this: @username Then leave a space.问保罗福克斯一个问题:Click here...